The cockroaches will inherit
the Earth. (Apologue).
Two
cockroaches, male and female, a lovely couple, talk - in their idiom - on the
sewage, while they nibble rotten remains of food. His name is Glutof and hers
is Kiti.
“Why such
enthusiasm?” – asks the husband, suspiciously. He is septic, solemn, hard
shelled, cult, repulsive, with eyes of a focused owl. A nourished glutton, he
resembles a dark and obese date, gifted with slim but brawny and hairy – or
whatever is the right name for its bristles – legs. Fortunately, Glutof does
not gain any weight on his small thighs, what allows him to go off at an
incredible speed in moments of danger; namely when hunted by the darned triad
of men, rats and cats. The last of them, carousers, that only kill for sport
because they don’t chew their victims. They feel too disgusted.
Glutof is
proud of the brunette, almost black, shine of his wings, which he can frill
with tremendous success, provoking a raving between the opposite sex. Although
fat, he is a womanizer, or “cockroachizer”, a word he intends to include in the
first dictionary of the language of cockroaches, in concoction and with him as
a coordinator. He likes very much to philosophize and takes pleasure with the
nonsense of his colleagues of species, all of them very dumb when compared to
him. A genetic mutation has occurred, one which provokes greater longevity and
a bigger size of the brain. But not all the cockroaches have been equally
endowed with the increase of intelligence. By the way, also a human problem,
though way older.
“You,
critical and cocky, as usual!”, Kiti protests. “What a terrible fad you have of
diminishing me, of spoiling all my fun! It isn’t enthusiasm, goddamn! I was
simply amazed, or rather, horrified – is that good for you? – with the
loathsome cleanness of the new restaurant around the corner, that enormous one.
I only got in there once, under the door, in the inauguration eve, and I
peeped. Last night, after the inauguration, I tried to go back, to pinch a few
things, sneaking through the corners, but I was really scared. Too busy. The
only crack that could help me get in has already been closed. The prevention
against us, from the selfish mean-spirited ones, is just perfect. Entrance,
only through the front door, but with the risk of being squashed by the
doorman’s sole.”
“I still
think you look rather euphoric, almost happy, unconsciously approving the
abominable cleanliness”, insisted the husband, an academic very respected for
his zeal in the protection of the values of sludge. He interrupted the little
sucks he was giving in a moldy bread to sip, as he snapped his lips, a little
cup of mucus, dripped from a nursing home of pauper elders.”
“It’s just
that I, although not approving, of course, any kind of neatness – what do you
think I am, huh? – like to see things well done. You know how perfectionist I
am…”
“Well,
relatively”, interrupted the husband. “at home, you relax. There are still many
things clean here and there… the tidiness is becoming unbearable. You are not
such a good housewife, pardon me for my candor…”
“But you do
not cooperate, either!”, she raised her thin and squeaky voice, wrathful,
flapping her antennas. “You just stand there, in that old lawyer’s cabinet,
nibbling old greasy books, bought from second hand shops. You, my dear, I’m
sorry to inform, is a salt and old human tallow addict.”
“It’s you
who can’t see a palm distance ahead your nose. It is not just gluttony, my
dear. I study. My idleness is only apparent. Well, indeed, it’s true that I
enjoy eating. However, I study as much as I eat. Most of all, I relish, slowly,
tasting not only the grease from the fingers of Adam’s decadent offspring, but
also the abstract part, the printed ideas themselves. The reason for that is
not to walk around speaking rubbish, as do many of our husky and slender legged
companions. One day we will inherit the Earth…Remember the prophecy? I have
read that, in case a nuclear conflict takes place, only we will remain alive.
We will be well guarded here, underground, while the biped scoundrels toast at
the surface, deservedly. Can you imagine our carousal afterwards? It will be
all ours….From litter to all of the computers…”
“Well, that
is if we have time to hide down here. If you are at the library when the “Big
Boom” comes – where you probably will be, you greasy book addict – then you
won’t inherit anything at all! You will be just one more toasted date. Besides,
to which nuclear war do you refer? The only two giants that could make it to us
have already made peace! It is all demoralized now! The Russian chief, that
blond cardiac bear (she meant Boris Yeltsin) with Mongolian eyes – his mother
must have had a Japanese neighbor way more attractive than her own husband –
has turned into a capitalist! Instead of using his plump fingers to push the
missiles’ launching button, he has fun just pinching his secretary! It is
discouraging…”
“Don’t lose
your hope, Kiti” – She is gracious, “eyelashy”, a brain full of mad and right
intuitions, all mixed. A hottie, she is basically just pheromones and
reproducer organs. She has a fame of being frivolous, but up to now no one has
ever had the courage to bear witness against her, because she is influential
and revengeful. It is the owl face academic’s fifth marriage, who proceeds,
doctoral:
“Parodying
what an American businessman has already said, no one, up to this day, has ever
lost money when betting on the stupidity of the ruffian state leaders. Or
rather, in the stupidity of the human species, with no exception, who claims to
be so rational. We, who know them well, and who eat everything they throw away,
we know what they really are deep inside, what is behind them. Especially what
is on “behind”…”
He made a
pause to nibble a piece of putrid banana and continued, erudite, pleased to hear
that voice that he knew so well to modulate with such authority:
“Fortunately,
the so called emerging powers are there, concerned with mastering atoms and,
with that, scaring their neighbors. Therefore, do not dispirit yourself. One
day, they will be making atomic bombs on their backyard. Our day will come,
Kiti. I have always believed that our ideals of justice and supremacy will end
up prevailing. The power of the empires goes up and down, just like a seesaw.
It is written on the history books that I lick – I mean – I read. The Power
switches his address. I feel it in the air, especially in the polluted air –
this pleasant and perfumed aerial garbage can – the signs that our turn is
coming! The current system of domination is summarily unfair! Any human being,
be him smart or dumb, barely sees us eating a miserly crumb in the kitchen
floor – even when we are at the verge of inanition – he instantly opens his
eyes wide like a mad assassin and runs up, with his paws up. Why such
prejudice? In the end, we are cleaning their kitchens, without even charging
for it! They would save up a lot with house maids! We could all get along, in
harmony! At night, the humans would lay their dirty clothes on the floor, they
would go to sleep naked, and we would break in, eating all the digestible
dirtiness left on cups, bodies, plates and silverware. The clothes would be
instantly dry cleaned. We would rinse everyone in the house, sparing them from
the morning shower. A grand economy! They would wake up totally laundered! However,
all the beasts do is squeeze us!”
“What if we
set up an underwear buffet? We could make some money out of it…”, Kiti
proposes, her eyes gleaming, always mindful to get some profit out of any idea.
She considers herself a great entrepreneur.
“Well, you
would be the one to take care of it. I do not enjoy involving myself with money
affairs…I feel as if I would lose my dignity.”
“It is all
fine with these theories of yours. You know I don’t make a fuss about these
readings. I personally only enjoy express readings; nevertheless I’m interested
in knowing what we would eat, in case of a nuclear war. Wouldn’t the supplies
be contaminated by the radiation?”
“Oh, well…”
– he sounded surprised. He had never thought of that. He labeled his wife’s
lightings of good sense as “sparks from the beast’s horseshoe”, as once said a
famous Brazilian critic. But he did not admit he was wrong. “Indeed, of course,
hum, in fact, I had already thought about that… For some time, which our
technicians would determine, we would not eat what is in the surface. We have,
in the sewer, a gigantic and delicious natural supermarket stock, all of it
ready and seasoned for our consumption. Therefore, we would only have to wait a
while in the drain, until the radioactivity decreased.” He made a pause again
to lick, snapping his lips, a type of chocolate mousse extracted from a white
piece of paper – square and of soft texture - and concluded:
“That would
be the Glory!, as if we were at Cambodia right now…”
“Why
Cambodia?”
“Because
there has been a juicy civil war in Cambodia that lasted 25 years. During this
period, between 6 and 10 millions of earth mines were planted. The result is
that now, every month, between two and three hundred people “go to Space” in
Cambodia. And not on airliners. It is the country that – though tiny – has the
highest level of amputations in the world. Let’s say, it is an earthly
paradise, ‘isn’t it? If there was tourism between our species… wow, can you
imagine that? Yummy….just the thought of it makes my mouth water! What about
the flamethrower? We would be able to even choose between raw meat, well done,
saignant, rare, medium…”
“There you
go with your polyglot exhibitionisms…”
“And the
specialists say it will be necessary about three hundred years to detect and
dismantle all the mines.”
“Why did
they grow so many bombs? Wasn’t it possible a more traditional type of
agriculture?”
“Kiti…You
need to read more carefully. No one plants bombs, my darling, they stuck
explosives on the ground! Each group, when withdrawing, would spread the mines
to fuc… – I mean, to mess (he did not approve of dirty language on the mouth of
great leaders) - with its rival. And since there were many comings and goings
in the ongoing skirmishes, losing and regaining territories, the result is that
Cambodia turned into a vast slaughterhouse, supplying legs, heads and arms in
separate pieces. To us, a paradise, because we are really tiny and we can walk
around without raising the mines’ alarm. Our Cambodian cousins, those lucky
bastards, have blood and fresh meat at hand, at all times. It is even making a
damage to their liver now, they say, due to the iron excess on their
alimentation. It’s just like wine breakers, it gives you that big headache on
the next day. The “tremendous intelligent” humans, ha! ha!” – he laughed,
raising his eyebrows, frilling his wings in disdain – “never thought that, one
day, the firing would end? They forgot
that old definition that they are “human bipeds”? Since they can’t fly, they
tread…and then they fly.”
“I’ve heard
that a terrible little English princess – I think it was Lady Di her name – had
been preaching the prohibition of earth mines. Do you think this misfortune
will come upon us as well?”
“Unfortunately
she is dead now.”
“Unfortunately?”,
Kiti opened her wings, surprised. “What is wrong with you? It is a good thing
that she died, because this disgusting campaign stopped.”
“You have no
vision whatsoever, Kiti…I say unfortunately because with her death the press
started venerating her; and as a consequence, strengthening what she defended.
I’d rather have her alive, only pestering…She would be – alive – less
threatening to our cause. They persecuted the infamous for years and years,
surveying her, taking pictures of her from a distance, criticizing and gossiping
all the time. They even wanted, because of her, the fall of monarchy. Now, all
it takes is for the malefic reformer to die and there you go! She becomes a
goddess! And within this lies all the danger to us! Henceforth, in a
consciousness crisis – such a sickening thing among humans – and specially to
sell more magazines, the media will want to put into practice her preaching. It
works this way between human beings. Only after the person is dead – no longer
arousing envy on others – she can be cherished. All I hope for is that the
little English princess, uglier than hygiene – and I’ve heard humans saying,
seriously, the contrary – does not have posthumous success in her absurd
campaign to the abolishment of earth mines. But, even if there isn’t a nuclear
war, they will die anyway, only slower, cooked in the slow fire of the
greenhouse effect or poisoned by the carbonic gas. They are too dumb and
ambitious to stop in time.”
“Do you
think that one day we will be like that too, I mean, with these character flaws
that the humans have?”
“Probably…”
Glutof sighed. “I’m sorry to inform…But it is the price of civilization.” – He
felt proud of his coldness of statesman. “Unless we create a new Ethics, on
which I have been working for years, with the deepness everyone can see. To
start with, we need to invent a reinforcement of coaction, a cockroach-god at
our image and similarity: husky, with large antennas, powerful and revengeful.
You know, not everybody will obey directors, presidents or chiefs. But a cockroach-god,
with a true power of life and death, the planetary cockroaches will fear…and
follow. I will talk in private with “it” – my own self, of course – once a week
on the rooftop of a tall building” – he smiled, ironically, closing his owl
eyes – “and then I will transmit to our people the message that only I was
allowed hear. What do you think about it?”
“And you
really think that our people will believe this, in this divine private
conference? Our people are more suspicious than the humans, because they have
suffered way more than them…”
“They will
believe, because it’s good for the soul to believe. One always believes in what
one wants believes.”
“But do you
believe it yourself?”
“Of course
not. However, no one will ever be able to prove that I don’t believe it. Unless
you open your little pretty mouth, of course; but in that case you know what
awaits you. I only sell a truly necessary product. I’d even say essential, as
long as there is fear in the heart of the cockroaches. It’s only business. And
speaking of fear, the human race is sinking exactly by lack of fear. Their
vogue right now is the deep comprehension of the motivations of human actions.
The dotards want to “understand”, mind you… The result: they have learned that,
for example, it is no use filling up jailhouses, because prison does not
recover anyone. Of course it doesn’t! But does impunity recover it, by any
chance? They walk around, like dizzy cockroaches – oops! I meant, dizzy humans
- not knowing what to do. And astutely they find a way of reconciling the old
desire of drawing back from circulation the detestable thief at the same time
that they can praise themselves, saying that they are making a tremendous good
deed, they are “reeducating him”. Me, once I’m giving the orders, I already know
how I will solve such a problem: immediate death penalty to all the cockroaches
who commit a serious crime. This will be a great example to all. We won’t spend
money and time with processes, paper, jailhouses and specially food. To small
infractions we torture the guy, by keeping him in a morbidly clean place for a
few days. To him it will be like death! He will never wish to do wrong ever
again. In case he does, then, back to the neatness.”
“Wow! How
much finesse! When you want it, you can
be real mean… Maybe it would be better to just kill them all at once…But how
would we kill the most perverted criminals anyway, since we don’t have any
weapons, teeth or even hands?”
“We would
master the rats. They are clever, but dumb. There is a great difference between
cleverness and intelligence. All they think about is gnawing and fornicating.
Unless they also suffer a mutation like ours. Then we will be damned because
they have a bigger brain…and teeth…By the way, I have already oriented our
staff to inform me about any radioactive material found on the sewer. We will
immediately isolate the area because, with the radiation, anything could
happen. If the rats become like us, well, goodbye to our future millennium of
glories! It would be them the true substitutes of men in the dominance of
Earth.”
“But back to
the new restaurant around the corner, you should see the neatness of the
kitchen! All sparkling! Not even a little dirt spot capable of…”
“Stop it!
Stop it!” – he interrupted her, shouting, tapping, shaking, rudely, kneading
and throwing away the toilet paper chocolate-stained. “I can’t take this dirty
talk of yours no more, especially now, right at meal time! Do you want to make
me throw up?”
“Geez…Did
you need to yell like this? You’re disgusted by the cleanliness? Hummm, what a
delicate sensibility…You sound just like a little girl…”
“Hey, you
watch your tongue” – his antennae vibrated with indignation. He had never
beaten his wife, but he was about to.
“You’re
getting the poets’ nervous fits, from reading too many human books, turning
into an ivory tower sensitive. Watch out, huh…I know one that has turned over
his hand…”
“What books
would you like me to read, you stupid ass? Have cockroaches got editors and
graphical industries? Now we are smart, of course – so much that the humans
don’t even suspect, because we know how to disguise it. But we have to, for the
time being, draw the available culture, until we can elaborate our own, which
will be, of course, way superior than the human one.”
“I only said
that to upset you…Because you were rude to me.” With her two specially gracious
big antennae she stroke Glutof’s antennae, smoothing it, at the same time she
emitted pheromones that turned him on. But he soon controlled his impulse
because he found it dangerous to have sex right after large meals.
“Sweetie…”,
she asked, with tenderness, “why do you read so much? Don’t you think your
exaggerate? It can damage your sight… And we still haven’t got oculists among
us. Speaking of it, I think you would look super cool wearing turtle glasses. A
more intellectual look would just be impossible. Aw, you’re my molded bread, my
putrid apple pie. There are many husky scampies around that envy me; you think
I don’t notice it?”
“I read
because in case of a global cataclysm I want to be prepared to organize our
species toward the new millennium. We, cockroaches, will not repeat the same
mistakes that the humans made.”
“What
mistakes, my darling? Excuse me, but with or without mistakes, they are on
top…They are millenniums ahead of us. Our genetic mutation - thanks to the
praised radioactive dirt that they throw around – is too recent. The humans
still squash us anyway. Or they poison us with those mortal squirts. I almost
died the other day, didn’t I tell you? You are close to almost being taking to
a ghost right now. I think I even have sequels. I haven’t been the same you
know; I have a weird sensation in my womb…The housewife, despicable and
promiscuous – probably recently coming back from a party - because she had huge shadows around the eyes
– had just turned on the light and then she saw me there, dizzy because of the
brightness; she run and got a tube of insecticide. The cruel woman didn’t want
to dirty her rich shoe sole. At this moment I fired in circles, until I
remembered that it would be better to scape under the door that opens to the
backyard. Meanwhile, the assassin beast, panting, whirling, afraid that I would
climb on her, tapped a warrior dance, trying to squirt the insecticide towards
me. Fortunately, it barely hit me, but still, just with the fog, I instantly
felt a terrible colic. I think I had an abortion…It came out all mixed up. They
don’t make mistakes, my dearest one. The world is theirs, no matter what we
do…I still regret not climbing up her legs, up to their end. I would give a
little bite with care right there. I assure you that the vagabond would pass
out from dread.”
“When I talk
about mistaking, Kiti, I’m referring to the human behavior towards their own
species. They will eliminate their own race, be it through bombing, pollution,
or urban criminality. We do not need to interfere. All we need to do is
waiting. In Algeria, some fanatic guys – who won an election but did not assume
the post - are beheading hundreds of people in remote villages. These victims -
including children - just have nothing to do with the political illegality.
They also raped young women because no one is made of iron. And they kill with
axes. Our Algerian cousins are the ones who regale with these devil humans.”
“Regarding
us”, Glutof continued, because he felt specially inspired, “and also the rats,
for example – these resistant rabbles, clever but short sighted, that also
attack us when esurient - they, the
humans, are really efficient…Well, partly efficient, because I have heard that
in the Pentagon building there once was a plague of thousands of American
cockroaches, right there, at their nose, the ones that are absolute computer
warriors. Yes, humans know how to kill, but, fortunately for us, they hate each
other. They love each other during small intervals in life; but, once vexed,
they turn this love into hate. One disagrees and is instantly screwed. A father
hates his son and vice-versa. Amazing, isn’t it?”
“Excuse me,
but I don’t find quite same…”, Kiti felt a subtle pleasure every time she found
a flaw in Glutof’s arguments, “Some human beings are not aggressive, even with
us. Last week, me and about fifty friends were down at the sewer’s roof,
talking, gossiping, when a worker, from the public system, went down there through
a little ladder. Seeing us, away from his head just a few centimeters, he
shouted over to his colleagues, who were just above, at the surface: “It’s
clear, guys! No danger!” And then he started working on the tubing, without
causing us any damage whatsoever. A saint, an exception. I was shaken… I almost
flew to his lips to give him a kiss… Really, human beings can be astonishing…
They are not always evil.”
Glutof
smiled, with a superior air, amazed by his partner’s innocence. “So the pretty
girl thought that the man spared you because he liked you? None of that, my
darling. He let you live because the fact that there are cockroaches down in
the wastepipe means that there are no toxic gases around. It is when there are
none that there lies the danger. If there are cockroaches, they can work with
no further habdabs. They only spare us when we’re useful, get it?”
“Dear God!
They do not point unknotted.” Disconcerted, Kiti scratched her right armpit, as
she always did, when she felt ridiculed. “How you know it all, sweetie… Why
don’t you, with all this knowledge, organize a mass attack against humans? They
are frightful. They eat a lot and have a tame life. I have seen a big man jump
like a monkey, panicky, just because there were two cockroaches in his shirt, which
he dressed in the dark. Or just because an innocent little colleague of ours
flied and casually entered into an old man’s mouth. He was practicing
respiratory exercises, making a profound movement of inspiration. It was indeed
the death kiss. The poor little one was spilled as if she was a disgusting
thing and…crumbled! The scariest of all is that the old man then went off to
prey!”
“I know that
humans are craven, but they have death’s technology. In a war, we would be
defeated. We would only win a few initial skirmishes, by giving them a few
shocks. Flying, for example, in their eyes, or into their mouths, or hiding
ourselves in the underwear of a few big shots, vibrating our wings near their
testicles. But that would be all…Scares, little things. At most a few heart
attacks, because these big shots, full of power, pizza, lasagna and filet
mignon won’t go too far anyway, they have tubes – what is the name of it,
again? Oh yes, arteries! – full of fat, just as much. Nature has been a
stepmother. We do not even have stingers. If a mutation towards this was
possible….But they occur with no control whatsoever. Now we have intelligence,
but you have noticed that not all of us possess that. We are really far from
being able to manipulate genetic engineering. Without hands, little beings that
we are, what could we do for now? Just thinking and organizing ourselves. And
waiting for them to kill each other, which is almost certain that will come.
For those who love action, we have IRA, ETA, the Middle East. They will never,
I hope so, come to an agreement of living together because the greed for lands
and power does not allow it. Peace does not interest them, actually. All those
terrorists warlords will never conform in returning to their quiet life, with
no shine, tedious, earning little, in factories, offices or departments. What,
exchanging an exciting life, full of ideological charm, easy money, for crafts
such as postman, cooker, shopkeeper, marketer, etc? No way! That would be a
demoralization!”
“But, my
darling, some of them even explode with their bombs…They sound real
idealistic.”
“Right,
right…but only the gaby ones…The big ones, the intellectuals, the bosses, they
never do that. Terror warrior explodes; big boss does not explode. Never! After
all, “the cause” needs its powerful brains. Correct? On the other side, what
did the opposite flank, which has been spread throughout the world, imagine?
That they would retake their old land, hundreds of years later, expelling the
locals in turbans, occupying, without any kind of reaction? I don’t know, they
are the humans, so I let the agreement to them, I have nothing to do with it.
Maybe they will never come to an agreement, actually! I, at least, wish for
that. Besides that, we must never forget the sacrosanct AIDS, the nectar of the
Gods! It is a plague that, I hope, will make a large mop-up because we are
immune against it. And the drugs, then, our revengeful allied, that once caught
is impossible to get rid of! Being weak as they are - and they know they are -
the human clowns still try them, only to check out and in the end verify that
it was just like how they said. Maybe they do it to roguishly be in the
position of victims, poor ones, addicts; actually a good idea, because then
everyone cockers them. An addict doesn’t need to go to work, nor study, nor do
anything at all. He only needs to remain an addict. A stroke of genius!
Speaking of it, I have had an involuntary binge because, when the police
arrives, the first thing which a drug dealer remembers is to flush all the
white powder down the toilet. Without the minimum concern with our health, for
we live down on the sewer. I saw that light powder floating and I soon thought
it was sugar. I sucked all of it. When I realized it I was jumping all over the
walls and challenging big rats to arm wrestling.”
“Let us not
forget” – Glutof continued – “the wonderful hospital infection, one of the few
segments in which we can personally collaborate to the success of our cause. We
are organizing courses of orientation on how to suck the infected tissue and
then nibble the internees’ food. Especially the children’s, because it is much
better to kill the enemy at its root. While the maids keep on pretending they
mop the hospital floors and their bosses pretend that they supervise it –
because in fact they are afraid of the cleaners, or afraid of sounding
“authoritarian” – things will go wonderfully. But, back to what I was saying
before, we, cockroaches, need, above all, to varnish our recent intelligence.
Have I told you about what happened to Horace?”
“I don’t
think so…You talk so much, darling, that I get giddy sometimes…”
“Well, that
is normal on you anyway, actually…Horace is a cockroach as well, he was a
friend of mine. He has been one of the first mutants. But, instead of
dissembling it and pretending to be stupid, he yielded to the temptation of
exhibition. And it ended up really bad, of course. One night, he embarked on a
journey through long wastepipe he didn’t know – ah! The illusory appeal of the
unknown – a real long, long one and he ended up in the drain of a solitary
cell. When the prisoner saw him, he had an idea: “I’m going to gait this
cockroach. Otherwise, I will go insane. I still have three years in.”
Glutof
continued: “This prisoner had murdered his wife, imagining that she had
betrayed him – and he was right – but then he thought that he had committed a
mistake – which he hadn’t – but then it was too late anyway. The sorrow he felt
at the jail was in doubled, for he was regretful. So, he patiently – he had once
been a dog trainer – taught Horace to write famous quotes from great retards,
that is, human thinkers. Horace would dampen his little leg on the ink-pot and
then he would write a deep thought. Sometimes he would mix the source, but who
would check it? The fact that a cockroach could write was a phenomenon for
itself.”
“How could
this Horace demote himself so much? Human philosophers! It gives me nausea!”
“For
interest, naturally. Horace soon learned to write the trite phrases, but he
would dissemble his speed at learning because each time he would write a
certain philosophical thought he would get a candy. Being gluttonous as he was,
he stretched his process as long as he could, pretending to be assimilating it
all very slowly. He could not show his geniality at being a mutant cockroach.
If he would write it all down at once, he would only eat one single time. And
so six months passed. Then, since there was yet a long time for the
“reeducating” to be released – another of the human stupidities, for in prisons
no one alters for better, only for worse – he taught Horace to dance upright,
on his back feet, imitating Gene Kelly in Singing in the Rain…”
“Wow, that
is certainly extraordinary…”
“And that is
not all! He also taught Horace something else really astonishing: dancing
can-can, just like those French dancers, with vigorous leg kicks, kicks that
many times brought Horace down to the floor. After all, our short little legs
were not made for Folies Bergère. If nature has given us six legs, how to cope
with just two? And yet, Horace, extremely vain and inebriated with prima-donna,
would turn his back to the invisible audience and tremble his little wings and
cram his backside, just like those ballerinas that pulled up their dresses and
showed their butt. I think the prisoner even thought that Horace was a female.
And, finished the exhibition, Horace would take bows, sending kisses to the
audience and screaming with a feminine voice, almost inaudible: “Je vous aime!
Je vous aime!” I think that, with a few more rehearsals, Horace would be able
to have his sex changed.”
“Darling,
I’m sorry to interrupt you. I was concerned with the time…Don’t you think we
should be going home right now? Soon the rats will awaken…Tell me right away
how your friend’s story ends, please.”
“Well, when
the penalty ended, the prisoner left the jailhouse, taking Horace on the pocket
of his suit, inside a little box…He wanted to look out for a manager. He was
hoping to become very wealthy because never, in the history of business show, there
had been a similar spectacle. He would win rivers of money, he thought to
himself…But, unfortunately, the thing just didn’t quite work…”
“I know it,
I know it!”, Kiti anticipated herself, euphoric, clapping her hands. “The
manager fooled Horace!”
“No! Damn
it! How lousy your mind is! What a nasty type of joy! No, but it was in fact
something much worse that happened…There had been a long time since the
ex-prisoner last drank a good beer, an ice cold and good one. In the prison all
he could get was a “Crazy Mary”, worthy of its name because in its composing
there was even varnish. So, he headed to a bar with the goal of regaling with a
“blondie”. But he ended up drinking four or five glasses. And he simply could
not refrain from showing off a little bit. He took the little box from his
pocket, told Horace to come out and put him on the counter. He was about to
tell him to dance and sizzle some excerpts from the song La Vie en Rose. He
then called the barman and proud, half drunk, pointed to Horace with a finger,
while saying “See that?” But the barman, annoyed, as soon as he saw that husky
cockroach on the counter, crushed it with a rackety slap. And so, stupidly,
died a great artist…When us, from the Committee, heard about the case, we
transmitted an instruction forbidding, until second order, intelligence
demonstrations of any type in the presence of humans.”
“What a sad,
sad story…a martyr! How did the ex-prisoner react?” Kiti wanted to know.
“He jumped over the counter at the same time and
strangled the barman, crying and guffawing at the same time, like a madman. It
was the fastest case of criminal relapse in the history of Criminology.
Criminologists, not having knowledge of our mutation, spent liters of ink
dissertating about this case, getting to the point of suggesting possible
passional and Freudian attachments between man and cockroach, this one
symbolizing the man’s mother. All of this mental disequilibrium a consequence
of the brutal isolation of the prison regime. These criminologists even made
analogies with a guy named Kafka, a nut who wrote drivels about a man that went
to bed as a human and woke up as a cockroach. As if such an abrupt amelioration
was possible. No one believed the defendant story that the cockroach danced
can-can and sang in French.”
“If we come
to dominate the Earth, you should, as a way of paying tribute to this great
hero, institute a “Horace Prize”, equivalent to the human Oscars. Even I would
love to compete on it…I love the stage, any type of stage…”
“It is not
your case, but actors – all of them – can’t help but having a real bad
character. How could it be possible to spend one’s whole life pretending to
feel something that is not actually felt, without having a screw missing, at
least in the character.
“Well, I am
starting to get real dizzy. You are so profound that after about ten minutes
listening to you, a great somnolence engulfs me…I’m going to sleep just a bit
and afterwards watch the television news to update myself.”
“Watch out,
don’t believe too much on the news! The press is also our big ally;
unconsciously, of course. Once they constantly need to increase their selling
to humiliate the rivals, they either investigate or manufacture scandals.
Whatever provides them headlines. The congressmen and senators, for being
numerous, are the most aimed by the press. With that, people come to wish for a
“strong man” who, as soon as he takes ownership, can provide a nuclear or
bacteriological power reinforcement - something that increases our chances of
one day dominating the Earth. Viva ! then to the power of the press! Have you
ever noticed that…” and he stopped, for he heard Kiti snoring, gently.
He felt
sorry for her. She seemed so foolish and helpless…He gently waked her. The time
for going home had passed already.
Entwined,
they slowly walked towards the hole down the sink of the house in which they
lived. They did not notice that two big rats, esurient and with evil eyes, were
coming right behind them, at their tiptoes, already with water in their mouths
for the “dates” that they could almost taste in their stomach.
Kiti,
lighter and less gluttonous, miraculously escaped the attack, but lost two of
her legs, an antennae and a wing. She cried copiously the next day, in
mourning, at her husband’s funeral. Or else, at the two little hairy thighs and
one wing’s funeral – all that was left from “Glutof, the Rescuer”, the great
leader that had already joined history.
But she was
pregnant, and soon – very soon, indeed – all those projects of hero, still numb
in their eggs, would be born, replacing their father on the heroic creation of
a new civilization.
THE END